Help - Advice Needed

OK, so this could also be titled "Rantings of a disgruntled Canadian living in the US", but I thought that the cry for help would get more of your attention.

So, as many of you know, I am heading back to work in, gulp, 2 weeks. And as many of you know, I am a Canadian living in the US. As a citizen of Ontario, a mother gets a year of maternity leave, and as a mother in Michigan I get 12 weeks. This is a huge difference and it is making my heartache every time I think about going back to work. Now, I know that a mother would be disappointed no matter when she would have to return to work be it 12 weeks or 52 weeks, but I would think that it would be easier to chew if you got to enjoy the 1st year of your baby's life before having to be carted back to work.

My problem is plain to see - I don't want to go back to work. I know I am lucky in that I only work 3 days a week. But to me, that seems like 3 days too many. I have been with Lyla every day since she has been born. I have only left her once for my friend Patti's wedding and that went fine. And even with that, I had Lyla come to me once throughout the day so I could nurse her. Maybe the difference was that I was only 5 minutes away and could go to her if needed. Now, being at work, I am unable to go to her if she needs me.

We have care set up for Lyla that is the best care we could ask for - her grandparents. My parents and Ryan's mom have generously offered to put their lives on hold for the next 3 months to come and help us out to keep Lyla out of daycare. After those 3 months, Ryan's company is going to allow him to have 2 days a week off so he can look after her while I am at work. This is all fantastic and means that Lyla will not have to leave her home and risk getting germs for this first year. But, I can't help feeling sick myself when I think about leaving her.

Am I being selfish? Should I just gulp and put my chin up and head into my new life as a working mother. Maybe I have been spoiled by this stay at homeness that I have come to enjoy so much. To be honest, before I had Lyla I thought that it was silly to want to quit my job or go part time because I ONLY work 3 days a week. But, like I said 3 days seem too much.

I want to nurse Lyla until at least 6 months, but I fear going back to work is going to decrease or stop my milk supply. I fear that Lyla is going to realize that I am not here and be upset. I worry that I am going to miss some of her milestones while I am off caring for my patients. It is ironic that my job is caring for others, that I have give up caring for my own loved one to go care for other people's loved ones. Why can't I just get paid to look after my own??

Obviously, the pros to going back to work is getting money and social interaction for myself with others. However, are these pros worth my cons/fears? I also feel that if I were to stay at home, that would be unfair to Ryan who is planning on staying home with her a couple of days a week and is looking forward to this. There is so much that goes into this issue. Ryan wants to go back to school in 2009, so we need money to allow him to do this. If we leave Michigan in the future, we are going to loose money on our house due to this poor economy, so we need money to make up for this loss.

Ryan has offered for me to take her entire 1st year off, but as you can see it is not cut and dry. I got a letter from a local hospital offering nursing positions which offers a weekend work schedule which would allow me to be home with her during the week and Ryan to be with her on weekends. This is what I was thinking would be a good solution, but we give up our weekend time together in order to do this. If I had to work I would prefer to work part time so that I could work 2 out of 3 weekends and then still have our parents come every 3rd week to babysit/see Lyla. This would make traveling less for them and give us our family time as well. As you can see I am a very confused mommy...so anyone got some wisdom or advice for me, please send it. I need all I can get.....

Cuties

Here are some "cuties" that I took this past weekend. The first one is of Lyla sitting with Dad in her sun dress. This is of Lyla playing in her bouncy chair, listening to Baby Enstein.
Here is Lyla and Nolan at Heidi and JJ's house. They were so cute, touching each other and getting excited together. Adorable!

Here is Lyla in her party dress for little JJ's birthday party.

Doctor's Appointment

Well, we made it. We made it through the vaccinations - 3 shots and 1 oral. Lyla did very well, she is sleeping right now.

We got to the doctors and they do the weigh in first. She weighed 10 pounds at the doctors office, her length is 22 inches, and her head is 15 1/4 inches. They were happy with her growth. They examined her and answered my million questions and overall said that she is "perfect".

It was a long doctors appointment, we got there at 1:45 and didn't leave until 3:55. I really like our doctor as they take the time to talk with you and answer all your questions, you do not feel rushed.

But, oh the broken heart of both Lyla and me when they gave her the shots. She really needed a good cuddle after that, and that is what she got. I am so proud of her! Now, I have 2 months to recover from these vaccinations and get ready for the next round.

2 months old

Today Lyla is 2 months old, and as promised here are some photos from her monthly photo shoot to see how she is growing. We weighed her last night and she weighed in at 10 pounds 3 ounces. So we will see how her weight compares to the doctors today, as today is the dreaded doctors appointment day where Lyla gets her first set of vaccinations. I know that Mommy is more nervous about this than Lyla, who doesn't know what she is in for, but I am sure that Lyla will do just fine. I love the 2nd photo, she is totally joking around there and having a giggle/squeal.


Here Lyla is talking with Mommmy. She is very vocal when she first gets up in the morning. It is so nice.
I will update you later as to the MD appointment, wish us good luck.

Friends

Lyla met her first "baby" this weekend, even though he is older and bigger than her. This is a couple of pictures of Lyla and our friend's son Nolan at their first meeting. Here is to the beginning of a long friendship.

Happy Belated "1st" and Happy 4th

Since Miss Lyla is a dual citizen, she was able to celebrate Canada Day on July 1st and today she celebrated the 4th of July. Her Aunt Pam bought her a Canada Day onesie to celebrate in style and I had an American one. Here in Michigan, maybe in the States entirely, they say "Happy 4th", so Happy 4th to you all. Lyla had a good 4th today, as Daddy was home and we got to spend some family time together. We went for a couple of walks and sat outside on a blanket. Currently she is swinging with Daddy entertaining her.

Lyla's 1st Trip and the Outdoor Wedding

This past week Lyla made her first trip to Canada. I was the matron of honor for my long time friend Patti, (we met in Kindergarten), so we had to go home on Wednesday for the wedding. Packing for a little baby is unbelievable. I started to make a list about a week before the journey and we loaded up our car completely to the brim by the time we were ready to leave. It is hard to believe a 9 pound being needs so much. My parents had this sign at the road when we arrived to welcome Lyla to their house as well as to Canada for her first time.

The week started off on the wrong foot when on Monday I felt like I was getting the flu. I had chills, body aches and my temperature rose up to 103.1 F. It was then that I realized that these symptoms where not the flu rather they were all pointing to mastitis. I started on antibiotics and started to feel more like myself when it was time to go home on Wednesday. But it made for a tiring time, and this is why I am just getting this blog done now.

Ryan drove us home on Wednesday night after work and then turned around and went home for work on Thursday. He then came back again on Thursday night after work. Lyla did great being in the car for 2.5 hours. Both times she slept the entire trip which was great as I didn't know how she would do for that long. We just made sure that she had a good feeding before we left each time. It was great that Ryan came back because Friday was my birthday and it was nice to wake up with him on my birthday morning.

Thursday and Friday were days of helping with getting ready for the big day for Patti and Chris. It was very hot and humid and we were waiting for the big rain and hoping it would happen before the wedding, rather than at the wedding. They were getting married on Patti's family farm just outside of London in a tent. The tent was looking beautiful. Patti's colors were a chocolate brown and a Bahama blue. They looked stunning together. The weather was iffy, and we had plan A and plan B, but we were all praying for plan A - which was the wedding to be outside as Patti and Chris wanted. And fortunately our prayers where answered because at 4:00 the clouds broke and the sun shone through for the 4:30 ceremony. The day turned out to be beautiful in more than one way - the physical beauty of the wedding, the spiritual connection of the two as they said their vows, and the emotional beauty of a wedding.

It was great to see some of my friends - probably my dearest friends. It was surreal because even though 10 years had passed since I lived at home I felt as if I had been warped into a time bubble where I was back in high school - driving my parents car around, hanging out with my girlfriends, and having conversations that flow just as if we saw each other yesterday at school. The only difference was that our conversations were no centered around topics such as diapers, weddings, and breastfeeding rather than the cute boy that sat across from you in some class.

Here is a photo of some of the girlfriends, some had already left the wedding by the time I remembered that I wanted to take this photo.

The next day, after not much sleep, my mom was hosting a garden party for my father's 65 birthday. My dad and I share birthdays, so I was involved in the celebrations as well. It was a lot of fun to see our nieces and nephew, they are always entertaining us and making us smile.This is the picture with my Dad and all of his grandchildren. Jillian's foot ended up in the cake. Lyla got dressed up in her party dress. She enjoyed most of the party sleeping it away.My mom had a lunch with about 15 people there. Again it threatened to rain, but the sun came out in time for the party so we were able to enjoy the outdoors. My sister wanted to get 65 flamingos for my dad, however the flamingos where all gone - and, sorry Dad, they didn't have enough for 65, so we ended up with the 7 foot inflatable cake. Not quite as exciting as the salesman made it out to be, but still a good center piece for the party. Matthew lost his allergy to Lyla and was able to hold her this time. Last time he was here, he was "allergic" to Lyla but he has since gotten past that allergy. I didn't get a good picture of him holding her, so here they are checking each other out.Nana, Grandma and Lyla all together. I had a great time at home with my family and friends, and I am hoping to get back again sometime soon. Lyla loved the fresh country air and we even got some help with her feeding when we are home so things have been going pretty good. So we hope to be back before I go back to work in a month. Ugh - don't even remind me about that!